With friends like these, who needs enemies

I had the bike. I had the good intentions. But there are some people, my friends, who find themselves threatened by other people's attempts to change their lives. Their limited self esteem begins to crumble; they look for ways to preserve the status quo. They are referred to by therapists, I believe, as enablers.

And so it was that I received a parcel from Eurolush.

It was huge. Massive. The Lattes had never seen anything like it in their lives. See that blurry little hand in the corner there?

It was so exciting that the Lattes were moving at speeds faster than the eye could see. Things started flying through the air. A glass was smashed, and the kitchen floor entirely covered in milk and glass fragments. Screaming filled the house, smashing yet more glass.

What could be inside?

Sugar. That's what. Sugar. And more sugar, and more sugar, and some chocolate, and some Super Dickmanns, and some more sugar. As I opened another package full of blocks of chocolate, Mr Coffee burst out "What on earth is she trying to do to you?"

Also inside was a lovely apron, with extra long waist straps for me to fasten round my waistline as it expanded to new proportions. And a calendar, and some little wooden Easter bunnies. At present they are guarding our sunflower seedlings, but they will soon form part of the obligatory arrangement of fluffy chicks and chocolate eggs. Because that's what the Coffee House needs right now - more sugar.

So thank you, Eurolush, for all of that. For saving me from myself. I didn't need new, slimmer clothes - I have nice things to wear already. I'm lovely as I am. And so are you.