Tuesday, 3 February 2009

Don't make me go back there

The Grandmother is trapped. Trapped in Yorkshire, which turned into Narnia overnight. (My mother is probably at this moment in conversation with a faun, asking him if he isn't cold with nothing on his torso and imploring him to wear at least a jumper and a hat that properly covers his ears.)

So instead of spending an interesting day on an external training course learning about digital marketing, I am without childcare. I really wanted to go on the course. But after what happened yesterday, it is all okay.

Yesterday I spent 3 hours driving to somewhere one hour away, with the Little Lattes constantly howling in the back seat because they had dropped their doughnut/cheeseburger/ sugary drink. (It was a good day for child nutrition.) It did not take so long because it snowed; the snow disappeared within an hour of falling. I was in the car so long because I was lost, lost, more lost than anyone in the entire world.

So lost that even though I parked outside a WHSmiths in a retail park to take some deep breaths, I was too hysterical to think of buying a map.

So lost that Mr Coffee sat in his office in front of Googlemaps holding the phone away from his ear so as not to have his eardrums punctured by my mad-lady voice wailing: "Don't tell me to look for the big roundabout! There are hundreds of big roundabouts! Everywhere I go, BIG ROUNDABOUTS! BIG ROUNDABOUTS! BIG &&*£ING ROUNDABOUTS!!"

So lost that when I eventually found the place, I could not even negotiate a multi-storey car park, driving around it in a circle at least five times whilst screaming at the Eldest Latte: "The SIGNS! They LIE! THEY LIE!!!!"

Eventually I abandoned the car on a double yellow line. At an angle. Thank heavens for the Eldest Latte's blue disabled parking badge. I arrived for the appointment a full hour and a half late, and looking kind of shaky and unhinged.

In a cruel twist of irony, this all happened at the exact time of the week that I am normally doing a yoga class.

At one point I drove past the very office that I was supposed to be in today, learning about digital marketing. You can appreciate therefore that however fascinating the subject, I don't want to go back there again. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.


  1. Sat nav is my saviour - truly. My sense of direction used to be realiably backwards - if I thought we should turn left, hubby knew we should go right. But now, it's not so easy - sometimes I do go the right way and in many ways that's even worse. I've lost count of how many times I've missed out on things because I was too scared to drive alone and get lost. Sigh.

    Oh, and by the way, if the faun is James McAvoy then just tip me the wink, and TomTom and I will be there like a shot to put a jumper on him ourselves.

  2. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry with you, but I so agree, navigating and driving on your own with only little people in the car = total nightmare - let it snow indeed. xxxx

    you wouldn't get me to drive into a multi storey car park if you paid me - last time I went to one I got my mums car (yep not even my car) totally wedged against a pillar....... and that was 15 years ago!

  3. It's comforting to know that there is someone out there living my exact same life. Except that when you bellow at YOUR children, it probably sounds nicer on account of your pretty accent.

    (Over here we call multi-storey car parks "parking garages." Isn't that idiotic? Is it to distinguish those garages from all of the garages where things do not park? Besides which, it gives no indication that there are multiple levels...These things really bug me.)

  4. I loose all ability to drive when I am trying to navigate at the same time. 'Unhinged' sums it up beautifully.

    And the AA did tell us not to travel...

  5. I've been lost so many, many times--overcome by complete and utter hysteria, that none are even worth mentioning. They all blend together into one long trip of panic, frustration and rage.

    However, that was then and this is now. I'm currently the owner of a Navigon, and my life has changed for the better.

    Need me to pick you up in Frankfurt? No problem! Quick trip to Trier? Okay! Let's go to Brussels, shall we? (No--that's two weeks from now...)

    Navigation system = Heaven

  6. Hi,
    I came across your blog after editing my profile- I'm a relative newcomer to blogging and didn't know that you could find people with similar interests out there! Great blog, and very funny, too!

  7. My husband came home from work today and said: "Have you read the coffee lady's latest post about getting lost? It's so funny!"

    I thought you'd get a kick out of knowing that.

    Oh, and he was right, you crack me up!

  8. I can map read and I can find my direction using the sun.

    But I usually set off too late - which has the same effect as getting lost.

  9. Being lost with only the little ones in the car? A nightmare indeed! It's bad enough without the inevitable howling - I once drove around in a city I had just moved to for hours, while the sun heated up my little car to something like 45 degrees C, and why? I couldn't find my way HOME! In the end I had to drive out onto the motorway and get home that way. ;-)


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