The Grandmother is trapped. Trapped in Yorkshire, which turned into Narnia overnight. (My mother is probably at this moment in conversation with a faun, asking him if he isn't cold with nothing on his torso and imploring him to wear at least a jumper and a hat that properly covers his ears.)
So instead of spending an interesting day on an external training course learning about digital marketing, I am without childcare. I really wanted to go on the course. But after what happened yesterday, it is all okay.
Yesterday I spent 3 hours driving to somewhere one hour away, with the Little Lattes constantly howling in the back seat because they had dropped their doughnut/cheeseburger/ sugary drink. (It was a good day for child nutrition.) It did not take so long because it snowed; the snow disappeared within an hour of falling. I was in the car so long because I was lost, lost, more lost than anyone in the entire world.
So lost that even though I parked outside a WHSmiths in a retail park to take some deep breaths, I was too hysterical to think of buying a map.
So lost that Mr Coffee sat in his office in front of Googlemaps holding the phone away from his ear so as not to have his eardrums punctured by my mad-lady voice wailing: "Don't tell me to look for the big roundabout! There are hundreds of big roundabouts! Everywhere I go, BIG ROUNDABOUTS! BIG ROUNDABOUTS! BIG &&*£ING ROUNDABOUTS!!"
So lost that when I eventually found the place, I could not even negotiate a multi-storey car park, driving around it in a circle at least five times whilst screaming at the Eldest Latte: "The SIGNS! They LIE! THEY LIE!!!!"
Eventually I abandoned the car on a double yellow line. At an angle. Thank heavens for the Eldest Latte's blue disabled parking badge. I arrived for the appointment a full hour and a half late, and looking kind of shaky and unhinged.
In a cruel twist of irony, this all happened at the exact time of the week that I am normally doing a yoga class.
At one point I drove past the very office that I was supposed to be in today, learning about digital marketing. You can appreciate therefore that however fascinating the subject, I don't want to go back there again. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.