Letter from Santa to the Coffee House

Santa Claus International

North Pole

Dear Coffee Lady

I acknowledge receipt of your child's letter dated December 12. Though Santa Claus International makes every attempt to fulfil its 500-year-old gift remit, there may be occasions when we have to manage the expectations of our clients to avoid any disappointment. Some of the items on your child's list have given us some cause for concern and for this reason the presents delivered may vary from those ordered.

• 'Perles and perle cases'
  We are unable to fulfil this request, due to the child in question being six years old. This is not a time for pearls.
• 'Magic flying fairy dust'. We have had quite a few requests for this in recent times, probably prompted by the misrepresentation of its use in the film Tinkerbell Fairy Rescue. We would like to categorically state that magic fairy dust is unavailable to humans. You will no doubt be aware of the need for magical creatures to hold onto their Unique Selling Point in an increasingly competitive economic climate; in addition to this there are insurmountable Health and Safety implications in

  

  © Disney Enterprises

  children being allowed to float around at cloud level. We are currently involved in a legal battle with the Disney Fairies on this very issue. (Between me and you, the Disney Fairies are the worst kind of magical creature. A couple of our elves have had the misfortune of becoming involved with them, and their fairy ethics have a lot to be desired. They give it up for anyone; I'm not just talking about fairy dust.)
• 'Magic hair clips'. It is unclear exactly what magic your child expects these clips to perform.
• 'Spell book'. The elves have searched our catalogue but have only been able to come up with this. Having studied your family*, I can find no evidence that you plan to educate your six-year-old child into Wiccan philosophy. Would this book suffice?
• 'Remote control flying fairy'. Based on the information in our database, I am taking the liberty of substituting a doll based on the Rapunzel-based film, Tangled, which I am sure will delight your child. (Be aware that the doll has 'poseable arms', which give the impression of having suffered a bad fall.)

It has come to my attention that this year you have decided to entrust some of your Christmas wishes to a different supplier, who has given your delivery date as 'on or before December 24'. Santa Claus International is disappointed in your choice and would appreciate any feedback about its service. Though your chosen supplier does offer the possibility of a slightly earlier delivery date, I would warn that such companies are subject to the vagaries of the postal system whereas in its many years of operation, Santa Claus International has never missed the December 24 deadline.

I hope that you are confident in your chosen supplier's ability to deliver on time and that you can sleep at night confident that your children's presents will not still be in a warehouse on Christmas Day.

I hope that you can continue to trust Santa Claus International and we look forward to enjoying our sherry and mince pie in the pitch dark in your living room in a few days time.

Yours sincerely

Santa Claus International

*Please be reminded that Santa Claus International's surveillance of households is entirely confidential, compliant with the Data Protection Act and solely for the purpose of ascertaining whether our clients have been bad or good.