I'm struggling to find words to adequately describe the last week. Nerve-wracking. Ominous. Some verb conjugation of tenterhooks.
There have been quite a few 'lasts' - not lasts forever, but lasts for now. Last drama class; last swimming lesson; last school dinner. (It's possible that Eldest was being a bit over-dramatic about that one.) I left a job: a lovely job that I've had for eight years, in a beautiful building, with smart, funny colleagues who felt like friends. It would be easy to be maudlin and woeful about approaching a surgery that's aimed at giving Eldest - and by extension, all of us - a better future.
Still. Without a tendency to over-think, how would I ever have become a blogger?
Today, I'm packing a hospital bag. I have a suitcase full of children's library audio books, and a stack of Henning Mankel paper backs borrowed from my mother-in-law (don't judge me. This is not the time for Improving Literature). Douwe Egberts just sent me six full packs of ground coffee (including decaff, whatever they expect me to do with that.) I have a shopping list, courtesy of Sue, of ideas for meals to prepare in hospital, this wonderful yoga podcast, and bottles of lavender and camomile oil. I have tickets for Lloyd Cole to distract me and Eldest. Virgin Mobile just kindly gave me a bunch of free mobile phone minutes, even though I rang up specifically to ask to pay for some.
In order to increase the mounting pressure on myself, I have interpreted the hospital's letter suggesting Eldest bring 100% cotton nightwear as an instruction to set about making a nightdress. Somehow it feels, when entering the unknown, that by sorting out nightwear and shopping lists and the proximity of crime fiction, I can hammer down some veneer of control over the whole business.
So for now, leave me here with my psychedelic fabric and my self delusion. They will do me just fine while I wait for my order of optimism and inner strength to arrive.
Which it will. Probably it will drop, reassuringly, on the doormat with the rest of this morning's post.