I got the new Kew catalogue today. I never bought anything from them - let's face it, I buy very few things from anywhere - but it's always nice to have pretty things to put into the recycling.
Kew models usually hang around in white rooms with posh furniture and big windows, wearing navy blue clothes and very red lipstick. They usually look very sullen. For some reason, however - perhaps to cheer them up - this year they have all got in their car and gone for a day out in a tin caravan.
Here is one of them standing outside it. See how she laughs! "Look at me! With a tin caravan! I know! In a field! That green stuff underneath my feet - I wonder where they bought that from?"
I don't know about anyone else, but I am sick to the back teeth of tin caravans. Over the last few years, models from everywhere you could possibly buy clothes from have had days out in their tin caravans. White Stuff. Cath Kidston. (Though, to be fair, Cath Kidston did used to make tents, and besides, if you were to find yourself wearing this floral-with-a-bow number you might want to drive into the middle of a field and hide.) The last Fat Face shop I went into even had the side of an actual camper van propped up on the wall of the changing rooms.
Here is K T Tunstall even singing a song in a damn caravan.
For anyone like me, who was actually forced to holiday in a caravan, the idea of swanning around in it wearing new clothes from catalogues is hilarious. For a start, we don't even need to talk about why wearing white on a caravan site isn't a good idea.
And where are the anoraks? One of the Kew models is wearing a mac with three-quarter length sleeves. Why? Are wet wrists the new way to go? Are we having too much fun to care about the water-resistance of our watches?
Why is no-one carrying a chemical toilet? Also, why are there no children anywhere? The only possible reason you would be on holiday in a caravan is because you have children - either because you believe that this will be a lovely holiday in the outdoors for them which they will remember forever fondly (I do remember it mother. Not fondly) or because you are too skint to afford a hotel because you have to spend all your money on keeping your children alive.
So. No chemical toilets. No knickers on a washing line strung up between the caravan and the car. (Usually no car. How did they get there? Were they abandoned?) No children, dressed attractively in dark blue waterproofs and scowling. No dads or grandads sighing and holding a mallet. No-one shouting at one another.
What is the point of them going at all, if they're not going to do it right?