Powering down

There's a well-known parenting phrase that I've never used - though I've used worse, I'm positive - that goes, "Stop crying - or I'll give you something to cry about."

And so it was with half term. Mr Coffee was away on a residential course; the whole week kicked off with a piece of truly crappy news; and I lost all enthusiasm whatsoever for the endeavour of parenting. To illustrate this, I just looked on my phone for pictures of my week, and all I have come up with is a picture of a crate of Aldi whisky, taken as some kind of price comparison exercise. (I finally wound up with a bottle of Bushmills.)

I didn't cry. I kind of staggered on, fuelled by whisky and some tooth-loosening peppermint slice that Littlest and I created out of icing sugar, butter, dessicated coconut and evil. Mr Coffee finally came home, and whisked away the children so I could sew a skirt and breathe into a paper bag. The weekend rolled around, and there was rest, and by Tuesday all the INSET days were over and it all seemed to get getting back to normal.

All that needed to be done was to wake up the children and get everyone where they needed to be. So I pulled the duvet off of Eldest, and in her attempts to snatch it back she accidentally scratched me full in the eye.

Then I got to cry. I got to go to the doctor in dark glasses and get poked at and get sent home with drops and then I went back to bed where my entire body shut down and I slept for four-and-a-half hours. I call it sleep - it was more like powering down. I got an exciting puffy face. Mr Coffee had great fun imitating me pawing about blindly, and the children got to laugh at me without me even knowing what was going on.

Later that evening Mr Coffee came to bed to watch The Musketeers on the iPlayer. Since I was unable to see, he kindly agreed to audio describe the proceedings, which went something along these lines: "Ooh, there's some fighting. And some blowing up, and some wandering off. Now! That's Whatsherface! Oh, she's dead. Oh. Ooh yes. It's all kicking off."

Today I have only a slight headache and a slightly blurry eye. But I'm much improved. And I'm very much looking forward to watching my own TV now, though I shall miss Whatsherface, and her valuable contribution to the story.