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Saturday, 17 December 2011

Letter from Santa to the Coffee House

Santa Claus International
North Pole

Dear Coffee Lady

I acknowledge receipt of your child's letter dated December 12. Though Santa Claus International makes every attempt to fulfil its 500-year-old gift remit, there may be occasions when we have to manage the expectations of our clients to avoid any disappointment. Some of the items on your child's list have given us some cause for concern and for this reason the presents delivered may vary from those ordered.
  • 'Perles and perle cases'
    We are unable to fulfil this request, due to the child in question being six years old. This is not a time for pearls.
  • 'Magic flying fairy dust'. We have had quite a few requests for this in recent times, probably prompted by the misrepresentation of its use in the film Tinkerbell Fairy Rescue. We would like to categorically state that magic fairy dust is unavailable to humans. You will no doubt be aware of the need for magical creatures to hold onto their Unique Selling Point in an increasingly competitive economic climate; in addition to this there are insurmountable Health and Safety implications in
    © Disney Enterprises
    children being allowed to float around at cloud level. We are currently involved in a legal battle with the Disney Fairies on this very issue. (Between me and you, the Disney Fairies are the worst kind of magical creature. A couple of our elves have had the misfortune of becoming involved with them, and their fairy ethics have a lot to be desired. They give it up for anyone; I'm not just talking about fairy dust.)
  • 'Magic hair clips'. It is unclear exactly what magic your child expects these clips to perform.
  • 'Spell book'. The elves have searched our catalogue but have only been able to come up with this. Having studied your family*, I can find no evidence that you plan to educate your six-year-old child into Wiccan philosophy. Would this book suffice?
  • 'Remote control flying fairy'. Based on the information in our database, I am taking the liberty of substituting a doll based on the Rapunzel-based film, Tangled, which I am sure will delight your child. (Be aware that the doll has 'poseable arms', which give the impression of having suffered a bad fall.)
It has come to my attention that this year you have decided to entrust some of your Christmas wishes to a different supplier, who has given your delivery date as 'on or before December 24'. Santa Claus International is disappointed in your choice and would appreciate any feedback about its service. Though your chosen supplier does offer the possibility of a slightly earlier delivery date, I would warn that such companies are subject to the vagaries of the postal system whereas in its many years of operation, Santa Claus International has never missed the December 24 deadline.

I hope that you are confident in your chosen supplier's ability to deliver on time and that you can sleep at night confident that your children's presents will not still be in a warehouse on Christmas Day.

I hope that you can continue to trust Santa Claus International and we look forward to enjoying our sherry and mince pie in the pitch dark in your living room in a few days time.

Yours sincerely

Santa Claus International

*Please be reminded that Santa Claus International's surveillance of households is entirely confidential, compliant with the Data Protection Act and solely for the purpose of ascertaining whether our clients have been bad or good.

19 comments:

  1. Santa's catalogue is Amazon? You would think he would support independent retailers wouldn't you?

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  2. But how does Santa International's post-holiday customer service rate, I ask you?!

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  3. *snort* To be on the safe side, better also warn the Coffee household that expressing any doubts as to the existence of Santa International in the real world results in you being removed from the customer database. Permanently. And then their affiliates at Tooth Fairy Inc then walk out in sympathy.

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  4. Mince pie AND sherry. Santa and his helpers are in for a treat.

    Brilliant post, one for the books.

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  5. Brilliantly written. I hope you all have a wonderful time on the big day.

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  6. Dang, I could use some magic hair clips most days.

    Still reeling from the news about the Disney fairies. Trollops!

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  7. Fantastic!
    I haven't yet had the letter responding to my daughter's request for a credit card.

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  8. All I can say is that if Rudolph makes as much mess in our kitchen as he did a couple of years ago, there will be no mince pies or sherry for the big man next year. No, indeedy.

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  9. Lynda - you will never find me biting the hand that feeds. Otherwise I might have to buy all this stuff myself.

    Thrifty Household - thanks! Very nice of you indeed.

    Planetcoops - I don't think Santa does credit. Maybe I could ask him, for me...

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  10. I really needed the paragraph about the magic stuff being only for magic people and not being available to humans earlier this year when my Cherub said he was planning to ask Santa for an Invisibility Cloak, knowing that such things were not sold in shops but probably not beyond the capabilities of a magic elf.

    Hilarious post.

    And your comment on my blog about being sorry for not commenting? Seriously. Don't sweat it, I think you have had quite enough Other Stuff to be worrying about Cx

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  11. Absoultely brilliant! Let's hope Santa doesn't have to write too many like thisotherwise he'll run out of time to get the deliveries done!

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  12. jfb57 - I think, bearing in mind the number of Grottos around, he has quite a big staff.

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  13. This post is wonderful, thank you for making me smile

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  14. love you.

    I'll print this out and keep it for my children when they grow up!

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  15. But clearly "magic writing dust" IS available. Happy Holidays to you all!

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  16. Love the post - and the comments! I am sighing though as I would have put magic hair clips on my list too if I had thought of it (right after the magical invisible person, who shops, wraps, cleans and cooks......)

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  17. this is the most I've laughed in days. thank you x

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