I hope you weren't coming here for entertainment. You won't find it. Life in the Coffee House is harsh and real this week.
This is Coffee House Painting Boot Camp.
We moved into the Coffee House - oh lord, the shame - four years ago, and we still do not have a staircarpet. People come to our house, and we tell them we are in the process of painting the spindles on the staircase, and then we can have a carpet. But we have been saying this for years now. And there are several, very good, reasons for this.
1) I was ill for a year. (Did I mention that? Are you bored of that already?) Look back in my archives and I can be found back in the mists of time going on about how ill I am and how I should be painting the staircase.
2) Mr Coffee and I are both idle. I'm not using false modesty here. If it is a toss up between wine and staircase painting, wine will always win. It wins hard, and it wins often.
3) Enthusiasm for the project stalled when we got into a disagreement about what kind of carpet we would be buying. The Silence of the Sisal Runners was a harsh time in our marriage, and though I like to think we will one day be over it, I fear our staircase may always have a tinge of regret hanging around its treads.
4) We have too many damn stairs. Three storeys, four landings, and spindles are really hard to paint, and need so many coats, and, and.... yes, I am just whining now.
But the excuses are over. Today the paint is coming out - when I've had this cup of coffee, obviously - and I am getting down to it. I am 39 in a few weeks. I will have finished this staircase by 39. I am not dragging it out into my fortieth year.
Painting is a young woman's game.