I want you to relax. I want you to lie down in a comfortable position, in a warm and safe place. Now imagine you are on a boat, and the boat is pulling up to an exotic cove.
Smell the island flowers. Listen to the waterfall and imagine the sound of the water trickling down the cliffs in this cool, beautiful cove.
Take your time to enjoy this wonderful place. Well, you know, I don't mind if I do, thanks, University of Texas relaxation woman but what do you know, you give me one second - oh, two if I'm really generous. But then you're bundling me back into the damn boat and telling me it's time to go!
What's that about? I haven't even got a foot onto the sand yet, surely I get chance to feel the warm sand on my toes and the breeze on my face? For all you know I might have packed a picnic.
It's no good telling me I can come back anytime. It's too late. The damage is done now.
So the search for the perfect relaxation mp3 continues. I am now so used to my National Health Service issue one that I can't stop shaking with laughter every time she tells me seriously: "It's very important that you do not listen to this CD when driving or operating machinery." She puts on a special school-marm voice with a steely tone to it when she says that bit. Who on earth listens to a relaxation tape when operating machinery? Do you think those blokes operating pneumatic drills have a relaxation tape playing under their safety headphones?